my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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