I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
