I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
