My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
