i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
