Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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