GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
