once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
