i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
