Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Come see our sink grown plant.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
