can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize