If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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