There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
