Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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