why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
