i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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