weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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