remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
