alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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