headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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