I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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