turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
