dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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