Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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