please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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