he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
