While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
