My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
