I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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