Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
