I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
