I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
