That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
