so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
