Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
