remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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