I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
