Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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