You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
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