Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
