nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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