Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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