I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
