ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
