Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
