***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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