Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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