I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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