I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
pray to the hookup gods
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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