guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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