i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
