Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
