Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
