new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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