Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
