i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
