I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize