Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
